Signs of Ageism and How to Respond

Practical ways to handle ageism in stores, medical offices, family conversations, and everyday life.

When my desktop computer died a year ago, I went to a local store to buy a replacement.  Along with the computer, I left with a reminder about how common ageism still is.  

The issue started when I asked for a powerful computer.

I told the salesman I wanted a machine with a specific, high-end Intel processor or the AMD equivalent, at least 32 gigabytes of RAM, and a dedicated graphics card.

He looked at me and said, “What are you going to use the computer for? Do you really need all that?”

The question wasn’t neutral. It came with an assumption.

Maybe my whitish hair reminded him of his grandmother, and he thought he needed to protect me from overspending. But I doubt he would have asked the same questions if a younger customer had listed those exact specifications.

That’s ageism.

What is Ageism?

Ageism refers to negative assumptions and stereotypes based on age and the way people are treated as a result. It causes older people (and youth, too) to be devalued, patronized, dismissed, discriminated against, and ignored.

As Ashton Applewhite, so aptly writes in her book, This Chair Rocks; A Manifesto Against Ageism,

“Ageism is the relegation of older people to second-class citizenship, along with the disrespecting of youth.”

Ageism Examples

If you’re an older adult, my experience buying a computer may sound familiar. Ageism often shows up in small, everyday moments. Here are some common signs of ageism:

• A salesperson explains something you already understand.
• A doctor talks to your adult child instead of you or dismisses your symptoms as “normal aging.”
• A family members brushes off your opinion as irrelevant.
• You make a suggestion at work that is ignored—until a younger colleague makes the same suggestion.

Individually, each of these moments is annoying and frustrating.

• Your experience gets overlooked.
• Your competence gets questioned.
• You encounter polite condescension.
• People become impatience with you.
• You become invisible in conversations and decisions.
• Some people imply, and others openly state, that you don’t understand technology, business, or the modern world.

Taken together, they deliver a blunt message: many people in our society believe age equals decline, and decline makes you less relevant.

Why Ageism Matters

Ageism is harmful. It can affect your employment opportunities at midlife and beyond. It creeps into interactions in daily lives.

Worse, studies have shown it leads some older adults to internalize the negative stereotypes, develop low self-esteem, and lose self-confidence. That can make it a significant danger to physical and mental health of older adults.

How Common is It?

Unfortunately, the negative stereotypes and actions associated with ageism are extremely common. A University of Michigan National Poll on Healthy Aging found that 82 percent of adults aged experience at least one form of ageism in their day-to-day lives.

What Can You Do to Combat Ageism?

Ageism can be obvious or subtle. To combat it you need to be aware of it in its many forms and arm yourself with facts and tactics to control the narrative and help change stereotypes. Here are practical ways to respond.

Adjust Your Own Mindset

Start with how you talk to yourself and what you say out loud to others.

If you don’t believe in yourself, your capabilities, your ability to learn and your right to be seen, heard, and recognized, no one else will, either.

Avoid phrases like “senior moment.” Everyone forgets things.

Instead, say,

“The word escapes, but here’s what I mean…,”

“Oops, mental hiccup. What  I mean is…”

If you lose your train of thought or forget to do something, remember that those things happen to everyone, too. If you need an excuse, use phrases that have nothing to do with age. A few examples:

• I got sidetracked
• It was off my radar
• I got interrupted
• Let me check my notes
• I missed it in my email. Let me fix it.

If some new task or technology seems overwhelming, don’t chalk it up to age.New things can be challenging at any age. You can learn and do this, the way everyone else does. One step at a time.

Be Confidently Assertive

Don’t wait to be invited into a conversation.

Speak up. Sit or stand straight. Make direct eye contact.

Lead the discussion or break in at a slight pause and state your own experience, research or other facts to support your input.

For example, in a business situation, you might say:

“That’s an interesting thought, Jim, but based on the campaign I ran last quarter, we can get the same results for less money by….”

The same strategy works in social situations. Bring in your own experiences, opinions, or even a well-placed observation. You don’t need permission to participate.

Challenge Ageist Assumptions

Stereotypes about the declining mental capacity of older adults can make some people feel they need to “help” you by explaining things you already know.  

Don’t let them patronize you. They may not mean to be rude. But underneath there’s a quiet assumption that you don’t understand something, can’t handle it, or that your concerns and ideas are irrelevant. Here are some typical manifestations of ageism and what to do about them:

When a salesperson or service provider starts explaining something basic to you or assumes you are clueless, use a bit of wit or wisdom to disarm their condescending attitude. For instance, tell them,

 “I appreciate you trying to help, but I’m familiar with the basics. Let’s skip to the details I don’t know.”

When the computer salesperson asked why I needed a powerful computer, I replied, “I write long emails.” Then, I added, “and create and edit graphics and videos to use on the three websites I run.”

That changed the tone of the conversation.

On the flip side, unethical salespeople who work on commission may try to sell you expensive products or services, assuming that you won’t understand what they’re doing.

if someone tries to steer you toward something you didn’t ask for, ask direct questions:

• “What features make this a better choice for my needs?”
• “Can you explain the difference?”

If they dodge your questions, talk down to you, or say, “Trust me. This is what I’d recommend for my own grandmother,” walk away.

Contradict Workplace Stereotypes

Age discrimination at work is illegal in the U.S., but it still happens

It’s not uncommon for older workers to get passed over for new jobs, raises, and promotions or to be let go during layoffs. They may also be ignored, talked down to, marginalized, or harassed.

Fight ageism in the workplace by being proactive and emphasizing your value to companies.

Instead of staying quiet, ask questions:

• “What makes you think I’m not fit for this?”
• “What skills would I need to be considered?”

Stay current in your field. Learn new tools. Take training when it’s available. Show, don’t just tell, that you’re engaged and capable.

And don’t downplay your experience. Say it clearly:
“I handled a similar project last quarter. Here’s what worked.”

Reclaim the Conversation in Professional Settings

In medical, legal, or financial settings, some people may speak to a younger companion you’ve brought along, instead of you.

Correct the situation when it happens. Say:

““I’m the one making the decision. Please speak to me.”

“I’m the patient. Please speak directly to me. My daughter is just here for support.”

To make sure your concerns are addressed and answered at scheduled appointments, bring along a list of questions you want answered.

Recognize and Celebrate Aging

Aging is a lifelong process. It’s something to appreciate, not of disparage.

Old doesn’t mean obsolete. Aging doesn’t erase your ability to learn, think, or contribute. It adds to it.

Your life experience, judgment, and perspective are strengths. Use them to your advantage.  

When you speak up, ask questions, or refuse to accept assumptions, you shift the interaction. And over time, those shifts add up.

Photo source: Istockphoto